Playwright George Bernard Shaw once wrote “The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that is the essence of inhumanity”. In simpler terms what this means is that the cruelest punishment you can inflict on someone is to ignore them or treat them as though they don’t exist.

I know the feeling.

Early on in my career, a few of us “early talents” were invited to attend a networking meeting with a senior leader. We were naturally nervous to present our thoughts to someone so highly regarded in the industry. We came into the meeting well prepared and eager to get to know the leader at a more personal level. Unfortunately, throughout the course of the exchange, the leader seemed disengaged and distracted. At end of the meeting, he simply got up and left with a brief nod and a gratuitous thank you. It all felt completely impersonal and inauthentic.  It was obvious that he had something more important to attend that day, but that experience left us all unseen. We left the discussion demoralized and defeated.

Another such experience was much later in my professional life. At a major international forum, we had organized a gathering of global industry leaders from across our customer base. The team had spent months in sweating the details for the meeting given its strategic important to the business. Given the stature of the gathering, we had asked one of our most senior leaders to convene and moderate the discussions. Our customers were fully engaged and delighted with the experience. At the end of the meeting, our leader thanked the customers for their time and their ideas, but failed to take a brief moment to acknowledge our internal staff for their efforts in organizing and shaping the forum. She simply got up, left, looked past the internal team on her way out of the door. Without eye contact or acknowledgement, she rushed out of the door to the next meeting.

It was Deja vu all over again.

In both cases, these lived experiences struck a deep chord within me. In both cases, I lost respect for the leader, ended up leaving their teams, and ultimately the company.

Conversely, I’ve been fortunate to work for leaders who took time out of their busy schedules to “see me”, even if it was for an incredibly brief moment.

One of these leaders who I greatly admire and have followed for is well known for remembering everyone’s names and acknowledging them with genuine care and appreciation, regardless of their roles or status within the organization, and despite his busy schedule and his significant stature. 

Another leader that I greatly admire is someone who finds a way to make every conversation with him personal and one in which you leave feeling positive, energized and inspired to do more.

My point in sharing these is to shed light on the fact that these incidents are far too common in professional situations.

Despite the millions of dollars spent on creating and promoting a positive organizational culture, a single moment of indifference between colleagues and especially ones with leaders can destroy it.

Whether intentional or not, and the prevailing leadership mantras like “empathy” and “psychological safety”, many of those in leadership positions fail to practice what they preach. 

In his book “How to know a person”, David Brooks makes a useful observation on these dynamics. He refers to people who make others feel small and unseen as diminishers. According to him, they are generally self-absorbed, rely on stereotypes to make judgements about people, and see others as tools to advance themselves.

On the other hand, Illuminators are their positive counterparts. They are genuinely curious about others, and find a way to lift people up by making them feel important, respected and seen.

The good news is that the skill of illumination isn’t just something someone is naturally endowed with. It is very much a learned skill but it takes deliberate intention. The key is to imagine every person you encounter as having some quality that is uniquely special to them and to build genuine curiosity by asking questions around that special quality. Deep listening, paying close attention to a person situational, emotional, and physical context then provide the necessary tools to see someone authentically, with a genuine sense of care.  

Today, most of our interaction with people is digital. While digital affords the ability to reach people at scale and across time-zones, it has become even easier to “ghost” or unsee people behind the anonymity or cover of screens. Even worse, a lack of personal accountability afforded through social media platforms makes the likely hood of genuine interactions even less personal and meaningful.

 Most of life is about ordinary moments - everyday interactions with people in unassuming situations. Make them matter.